The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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