Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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