Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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