im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
