I want you more than these girls want KFC
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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