Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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