I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
