I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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