so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
