"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
