I want to make a zoo with you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
