if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
