Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
