two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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