you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
