Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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