I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
