I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
