she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize