Please, let me fuck your mom
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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