just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
