Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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