just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you told grandpa to call you daddy
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
