Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
COCAINE IS GR8
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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