Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
