I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize