I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
