Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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