My liver just broke up with me...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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