i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
