so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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