i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
