Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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