Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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