If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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