found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
