This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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