My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
