Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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