dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
