i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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