she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
