one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
