remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
