Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
