I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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