so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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