i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
