Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
