Where did you get a picture of my penis
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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