the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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