I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
being pregnant is like rehab
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
