Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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