I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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