Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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