The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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